Second hour in fabric store nearly kills eight-year-old – the onion – america’s finest news source

LOS ANGELES—The grave implications of his vanity dawning on him, local man Ed Paitz realized what an arrogant fool he’s been after skipping the moving walkway at Los Angeles International Airport, sources said Thursday.

SEATTLE—In no way enhancing the nation’s wealth through any other means, local man Ryan Compton’s sole contribution to the economy is viewing advertisements found on websites, sources confirmed Wednesday.

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

QUINCY, MA—Saying she would stop looking at her phone and tablet at least an hour before going to sleep, local woman Carina Anielski, who drinks six cups of coffee per day, told reporters Tuesday that she was trying to cut down on blue light around bedtime.


SAN JOSE, CA—Reacting instantaneously to the potential threat before it could imperil that which she held most dear, local woman Sarah Mackelberg’s deepest primal instincts reportedly activated Friday to protect her nearly finished glass of wine from an approaching waiter.

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.

RICHMOND, VA—Sighing loudly and expressing a deep regret regarding the naive and starry-eyed assumptions he had made about a recent supermarket purchase, local 32-year-old Noah Willson lamented to reporters Thursday that he had been duped by the glamorized manner in which a can of beans had been portrayed in a television commercial.

CHICAGO—Saying he has heard good things but hasn’t yet had a chance to check it out, local 31-year-old Kevin Regan reported Thursday he has been meaning to catch up on the whole of human artistic endeavor.

CHICAGO—Establishing a grueling pace he will be unable to keep up indefinitely, local man Gabe Fellman has set an unsustainable precedent of saying hello to his coworker every morning, sources confirmed Wednesday.

BOSTON—Tallying various efforts to act natural and pretend everything was fine, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Boston University found that the average American hopes no one saw that 12 times per day.

CHICAGO—Saying it was crucial to find ways to keep fit even within the confines of her office, local woman Diana Shearer devised her latest delusional scheme Wednesday for burning extra calories during the workday.

SARASOTA, FL—Saying that the plump liquid center had been broken and was trickling warm yellow goo on all sides, a report released Thursday found that, oh, fuck yeah, an egg yolk was dripping all over a sandwich.

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

LOVELAND, CO—In an assignment meant to simulate the responsibilities of parenthood, pairs of juniors at Larimer County High School were each given an egg Monday and instructed to post nonstop photos of it to social media, sources reported.

COVINGTON, KY–Local 8-year-old William Haney is listed in stable condition following Sunday’s near-fatal two-hour excursion to Martha’s Fabric Outlet on Route 23 near Cincinnati. How to lose weight calculator Dragged to the store by his mother, 36-year-old Carolyn Haney, who was reportedly obsessed with finding the perfect fabric for new bathroom curtains, Haney wandered the aisles for more than an hour in search of anything of remote interest. Weight loss inspiration board “After making his 12th walking tour of the entire store, gazing listlessly upon bolt after identical bolt of fabric, William collapsed from what is commonly known as a massive boredom attack,” said St. Weight loss groups Joseph’s Hospital spokesperson Andrew Peele. Weight loss recipes “He was literally seconds from death when his mother finally purchased three yards of a floral print and left the store.” Emergency doses of comic books and candy were administered to Haney, upgrading his condition.

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.

RICHMOND, VA—Sighing loudly and expressing a deep regret regarding the naive and starry-eyed assumptions he had made about a recent supermarket purchase, local 32-year-old Noah Willson lamented to reporters Thursday that he had been duped by the glamorized manner in which a can of beans had been portrayed in a television commercial.

THE MALEBOLGE, NETHER REGIONS OF DARKNESS—Noting the incredible rate at which the community has grown, sources confirmed Thursday that Hell, the Endless Kingdom of Misery, is now a booming haven of gay culture. How to lose 5 pounds of water weight overnight The Great Abyss, home of the damned, i…

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