10 hilarious santa-banta jokes to read (before they get banned)
The Supreme Court on Friday agreed to hear a petition asking for direction to ban nearly five thousand websites displaying jokes on the Sikh community. Petitioner Harvinder Chowdhury in his Public Interest Litigation (PIL) has requested the court to issue an order banning all websites which spread jokes portraying the ‘sardar’ community as ‘persons of low intellect, stupid and foolish’.
Such a complaint has come up for the first time in Delhi – that too before the Supreme
Court. Earlier, Sikh groups have on several occasions gone to the police, especially in Mumbai, seeking ban on such jokes. Read more here.
Here are ten jokes to savour before they’re struck. Rest assured, they aren’t offensive.
Out of stock!
Santa was appointed as sales person at a local store in Chandhigarh.
While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had “peach jam” to which he bluntly replied, “Out of stock.”
At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop disgruntled.
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Santa aside, and said, “When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologise for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance, in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like pineapple jam, guava, apricot jam and so on.”
Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Santa politely replied: “I am sorry ma’am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try some carbon paper or sand paper!”
Unfaithful wife or friend?
A co-worker told Santa that his wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1.30pm with Santa’s best friend.
Worried and hurt, Santa ran home at 1.30pm to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
“Look,” said Santa. “Don’t start such terrible rumours! That guy isn’t my best friend… I don’t even know him.”
Diet for weight loss
Needing to shed a few kilos, Santa and Jeeto went on a diet. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for their individual portions.
They felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry.
As time progressed, Santa and Jeeto realised that they were, in fact, putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the details of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they found their error.
There, in small print, Santa and Jeeto saw, to their horror: “Serves 6”.
Just as Santa was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, “Someone is breaking in”.
At least two nights a week for 20 years Santa had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went for a routine check.
When Santa entered the den he was suprised to see a thief. The man pointed a gun at him, and continued to rob the house.
As the theif was about to leave Santa said, “You have to go and meet my wife, Jeeto.”
The thief said, “Why would you want me to meet your wife?”
Santa replied, “Well, she’s been expecting you for 20 years.”
Deep sea fishing
Santa and Banta were both passionate about deep sea fishing. They both would come back from their fishing trips and boast to the other about how many they caught, and the sizes of the fish.
So Banta once comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells Santa…
“You wouldn’t believe it yaar, in Bahamas I caught a 500 pound Herring.”
Santa says… “That’s nothing, last time I fished in the Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken American ship…. and the candle was still burning!”
They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying.
Finally, Santa said to Banta, “Look Banta, if you take 450 pounds from off your herring…. I’ll blow out my candle!”
A cold day!
An Englishman was singing: “There was a cold day,” whilst taking a dump in a cinema toilet.
Banta walks by and hears him singing, “There was a cold day, There was a cold day…” He slams the door wide open.
The Englishman, in a shock, screams: “What the bloody hell are u doin’ mate?”
Banta replied, “Oh, sorry! I thought you were saying: ” Darwaza khol de.”
Santa: You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won’t boot properly.
Tech support: What does it say?
Santa: Something about an error and non-system disk.
Tech support: Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?
Santa: No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside. How do I get that one out?
Tech support: It’s actually fairly easy if you had the IQ upgraded lately. Have you had that done?
Santa: No, I don’t think so. I’m always one of the last to get the new stuff.
Tech Support: Ok, then go tell your manager that I said you qualify for an IQ upgrade.
Out of court settlement
Santa and the local priest were always fighting and arguing, and eventually they winded up in court.
After listening to arguments from both sides, the magistrate said, “I feel sure that this can be settled amicably. Shake hands with each other, and say something for goodwill.”
The priest shook Santa’s hand and said, “I wish for you what you wish for me.”
“See, Your Honour,” said Santa. “HE’S STARTING AGAIN.”
Banta complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
“Before it happens, do you see any dreams?” the doctor asked.
“Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, ‘Let’s pee’.”
“Ok,” the doctor said. “Next time you see the demon, say, No, we’ve already peed.”
Next time Banta came to the doctor, the latter asked, “So, did you do as I said?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Did it help?”
“No, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse.”
“As I said ‘We’ve already peed,’ the demon nodded and said, ‘Then, let’s do some potty.'”
Banta walked through the forest when he heard someone crying for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.
“My first wish,” Banta said, “is a bottle of whiskey that will never fall empty.”
And flash, there was the bottle. Banta opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. Banta was very happy.
“What is your second wish,” the dwarf asked?
Banta replied, “I want another bottle…”